About ten years ago, I was honored to be an active member of an e-mail discussion group called Tarot-L. It was the place to be for Tarot people back then; many of the leading authors, scholars and readers participated, as well as plain old Tarot enthusiasts. During that time, a joking conversation with a Tarot friend motivated me to write the following little piece of Tarot humor. As I said when I put it out on Tarot-L, this was written with great affection and no disrespect is intended. I believe God has a wacky sense of humor; I certainly think the Tarot gods are just as amiable. If you don’t know the Tarot well, this piece probably won’t mean much to you – but if you’re a true Tarot aficionado, I think you’ll get a kick out of it. Enjoy!
People talk about the Tarot and how wise and wonderful it is, and how it can foretell the future and all. Yet no reader could have told me what my life would be like after I first got involved with those cards. In the beginning it was a thrilling new WORLD, an 8 OF WANDS of kicks and surprises. Then a dark side was revealed. I got myself into Major trouble, even though I was still a Minor. I had climbed high up the tree of life. But soon I had the DEVIL to pay and fell to ruin. I had spread myself too thin. Oh, if only I had foreseen the outcome!
It all started out innocently enough, right after I moved to Tarotown. I was having a few laughs with the MAGICIAN. I thought he was Aces. He’s an infinitely dynamic guy and before I knew what was happening, he laid his cards on the table. He loosened his snake, pointed at me and said “Do you want it Above or Below?” and I just lost my head!
Afterwards I felt so 9 OF SWORDS that it was months before I got involved with the EMPEROR. I’ve always had a thing about older men. He’s very commanding and I felt so safe with him. I was still new in Tarotown and I didn't even know about the EMPRESS until she and that harpy, the HIGH PRIESTESS (there’s more behind that veil than meets the eye!) cornered me at the salad bar in the Red Lobster near one of the local covens. They told me in no uncertain terms to 8 OF CUPS out of town. So it was bye, bye EMPEROR.
I was really shaken and I went 6 OF SWORDS up to New England and just hung out for awhile with the Motherpeace cards. They were so comforting, so nurturing; I really got my 2 OF PENTACLES back. But I couldn’t stay there forever. First of all, there were just too many damn Pages all over the place. And for another, I found myself willing to kill for a hamburger and a straight-back chair – I mean, how much tofu and sitting in circles can a girl take?
So I came back to Tarotown. And one day, I met the HERMIT over at the library and was so taken with him: quiet, shy, hooded... I felt this was someone who wouldn't exploit me. Yeah, right! I won’t even begin to tell you what he wanted to do with that staff and lantern once he got me alone!
I was very depressed after that and went on a sort of Lost Weekend, picking up Knights in bars without evening knowing their Suits, and letting some of those husky Pentacle types have their way with me. There was even an orgy with the 5 OF WANDS (hell, what do you think they’re fighting about!). I tried to have a serious relationship with some of the other Wands and a few Swords, but talk about emotionally unavailable men! Then there was a really ugly encounter with the 7 OF SWORDS. I don't want to call it rape, but he was very rough with me and made off with all my cash and credit cards!
That really set me back and before I knew it, I’d lost my job, my home, my self-respect. I was working the streets of Tarotown, jumping into any CHARIOT that slowed down along the avenue, holing up in a crack den in the TOWER, playing those pathetic 8 OF SWORDS bondage games. I was strung out on herbs and aromas and let myself get hooked up with that creep, the 6 OF PENTACLES, working for whatever pennies he saw fit to dole out to me. Oh, the shame!
I’d hit bottom. Miss 5 OF PENTACLES, that was me! Then a few of my girlfriends – maybe you know them, the 3 OF CUPS? – did a full-court intervention with me and I realized what a FOOL I’d been. They sent me out west to stay with the Medicine Wheel cards for about six months. After a few sessions in the sweat lodge and some really intense drumming, I was right as rain!
So I came home to Tarotown, my town, the town I love. And I’ve started a new life. It’s not much. I’m living in the TEN OF PENTACLES halfway house and just started a new job with the 3 OF PENTACLES (really, really nice people...). I still have dreams of meeting the KING OF CUPS, getting 4 OF WANDSed and living 10 OF CUPS ever after. But I'm trying to keep my eyes open and my expectations reasonable. Who knows, maybe someday I'll meet a nice, steady 8 OF PENTACLES and settle down. For now, I'm just taking it a day at a time. Lord, give me STRENGTH!
This post is illustrated with THE STAR because she, like this sweet little recovering floozy, represents openness, hope, generosity and good cheer (a Trump with a heart of gold)!.
People talk about the Tarot and how wise and wonderful it is, and how it can foretell the future and all. Yet no reader could have told me what my life would be like after I first got involved with those cards. In the beginning it was a thrilling new WORLD, an 8 OF WANDS of kicks and surprises. Then a dark side was revealed. I got myself into Major trouble, even though I was still a Minor. I had climbed high up the tree of life. But soon I had the DEVIL to pay and fell to ruin. I had spread myself too thin. Oh, if only I had foreseen the outcome!
It all started out innocently enough, right after I moved to Tarotown. I was having a few laughs with the MAGICIAN. I thought he was Aces. He’s an infinitely dynamic guy and before I knew what was happening, he laid his cards on the table. He loosened his snake, pointed at me and said “Do you want it Above or Below?” and I just lost my head!
Afterwards I felt so 9 OF SWORDS that it was months before I got involved with the EMPEROR. I’ve always had a thing about older men. He’s very commanding and I felt so safe with him. I was still new in Tarotown and I didn't even know about the EMPRESS until she and that harpy, the HIGH PRIESTESS (there’s more behind that veil than meets the eye!) cornered me at the salad bar in the Red Lobster near one of the local covens. They told me in no uncertain terms to 8 OF CUPS out of town. So it was bye, bye EMPEROR.
I was really shaken and I went 6 OF SWORDS up to New England and just hung out for awhile with the Motherpeace cards. They were so comforting, so nurturing; I really got my 2 OF PENTACLES back. But I couldn’t stay there forever. First of all, there were just too many damn Pages all over the place. And for another, I found myself willing to kill for a hamburger and a straight-back chair – I mean, how much tofu and sitting in circles can a girl take?
So I came back to Tarotown. And one day, I met the HERMIT over at the library and was so taken with him: quiet, shy, hooded... I felt this was someone who wouldn't exploit me. Yeah, right! I won’t even begin to tell you what he wanted to do with that staff and lantern once he got me alone!
I was very depressed after that and went on a sort of Lost Weekend, picking up Knights in bars without evening knowing their Suits, and letting some of those husky Pentacle types have their way with me. There was even an orgy with the 5 OF WANDS (hell, what do you think they’re fighting about!). I tried to have a serious relationship with some of the other Wands and a few Swords, but talk about emotionally unavailable men! Then there was a really ugly encounter with the 7 OF SWORDS. I don't want to call it rape, but he was very rough with me and made off with all my cash and credit cards!
That really set me back and before I knew it, I’d lost my job, my home, my self-respect. I was working the streets of Tarotown, jumping into any CHARIOT that slowed down along the avenue, holing up in a crack den in the TOWER, playing those pathetic 8 OF SWORDS bondage games. I was strung out on herbs and aromas and let myself get hooked up with that creep, the 6 OF PENTACLES, working for whatever pennies he saw fit to dole out to me. Oh, the shame!
I’d hit bottom. Miss 5 OF PENTACLES, that was me! Then a few of my girlfriends – maybe you know them, the 3 OF CUPS? – did a full-court intervention with me and I realized what a FOOL I’d been. They sent me out west to stay with the Medicine Wheel cards for about six months. After a few sessions in the sweat lodge and some really intense drumming, I was right as rain!
So I came home to Tarotown, my town, the town I love. And I’ve started a new life. It’s not much. I’m living in the TEN OF PENTACLES halfway house and just started a new job with the 3 OF PENTACLES (really, really nice people...). I still have dreams of meeting the KING OF CUPS, getting 4 OF WANDSed and living 10 OF CUPS ever after. But I'm trying to keep my eyes open and my expectations reasonable. Who knows, maybe someday I'll meet a nice, steady 8 OF PENTACLES and settle down. For now, I'm just taking it a day at a time. Lord, give me STRENGTH!
This post is illustrated with THE STAR because she, like this sweet little recovering floozy, represents openness, hope, generosity and good cheer (a Trump with a heart of gold)!.
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